I got out of hiking the other day. My girlfriend wanted to go hiking to this waterfall out in the middle of bum-fucking-nowhere. She tried to convince me that it would be “romantic.” What bullshit. Romance was invented by women to make men do shit for them. It would be more forward to say “if you want to have sex with me, you have to do what I want.” But, women are sly creatures. Though being blunt would be more effective in the short term, it would eventually wear off. Logical sentences like that; we men can handle, but eventually we’ll realize “wait, even when I don’t do everything she wants we still have sex.” And then the woman has lost all the power the phrase once granted her. But “romance” is ambiguous. We can’t wrap our heads around it. And so we are forever enslaved trying to please women in ways we’ll never understand and they are never fully happy with. I see through that crap, though. So, I know that a hike out to a remote location where there is some water falling from a high location to a lower location is nothing more than a waste of time. You know what’s more impressive than a waterfall? Plumbing. I can turn on my tap and see the awe of a waterfall. Every day I take a shower I am bathing in the wonder that is a waterfall. I don’t need to travel hours away to see it. And what’s so great about a waterfall anyway? People are mesmerized by them. I mean, even the name is lackluster… waterfall… you’re watching water that is falling. ”Hey water, you’re being persecuted by gravity and we’re congratulating you.” Romantic my ass.
Went hiking the other day. We actually went with another couple. ”Friends” of ours. After the hike, the guy friend said that he won’t ever hike with us again because I ruin it. Really? I ruin it? What about the long monotonous gradual climb up a large rock? Don’t you think that may have something to do with it? Oh yeah, and hey guy, don’t you remember when you tripped on that root and took a face-dive into the dirt? I’m guessing that added more to your bad experience than my snide remarks about the banana slug your girlfriend wouldn’t stop fucking looking at all googly-eyed. The problem with most people who are into nature is that they aren’t open to criticism. Nature is not perfect. If nature were perfect it would grow houses so we’d be able to skip the process of cutting a bunch of damn trees down, sawing them up, transporting them, and nailing them together. I mean, how fucking inefficient is that? Fuck you, nature.
Went hiking the other day. I guess “hiking” is a stretch as we just walked down to the lake. My girlfriend calls it a “stroll” but I know damn well that’s just a euphemism for a shorter hike. Its like scooping up a piece of dog shit and calling it something nice-sounding, just because it wasn’t the full log in your hand. Call it what you want, its still a piece of shit you are holding. This particular lake is inhabited by multifarious duck-like creatures. I say duck-like because most of the ducks are not the typical looking ducks. The most prevalent ”ducks” are some mutant form of duck that almost look like small dogs with short white beaks. My girlfriend wonders what they’re called, I wonder how they taste. But the real attraction of this lake are the geese. As far as I can tell there are only a handful of them, but they always seem to make me feel like I’m surrounded. I’m pretty positive that geese are the douchebags of the avian kingdom. I’ve yet to find a goose that respects personal space. And they have the most annoying honking sound. I feel like yelling, “I’m right here bitch! No need to honk so loud!” but I don’t want to risk getting my ass kicked by a 4 foot bird in front of my girlfriend.
Went hiking the other day. I saw a grasshopper. My girlfriend was thoroughly amused. She caught it and made me look at it, as if it were worth a shit. She eventually put it down and watched it hop away… in the grass. COME ON! How fucking original, Mr. Grasshopper. Hopping in the grass. ’Oh look, I’m a grasshopper hopping in the grass, perpetuating the stereotype imbued by my name. ’ I mean, why don’t you try thinking outside the box some time. Hop on some other material for a change. Or try a leisurely stroll through the grass. Oh wait, you can’t do that because you’re a stupid fucking insect. I labored up 1,000 feet of rock and dirt so I could see some dumbass bug jumping around. Nature is so stupid. At the top of every mountain should be elephants you can ride, or monkeys that give blowjobs. Not some stupid little creature that hops around adding NOTHING to the advancement of society. Oh, and this little hopper HAS WINGS by the way… because when you have the choice to jump all day or fucking FLY you are of course going to choose not to fly. God, why do I agree to come on these hikes.
Went hiking the other day. My girlfriend stopped and stared at a bush for like 10 minutes. About every minute I would ask what the hell were we looking at but she’d glare at me and motion for me to hush every time I did. Then, a bird flew out of the bush and my girlfriend asked, “Did you see that?” Yes I fucking saw that, it was a bright blue bird flying out of the bush we’ve been staring at for 10 minutes with nothing else happening around us on a boring ass mountain. “That was great” she said… yes great, cause I’ve never seen a fucking bird before! ’Oh, its blue and has feathers and can fly.’ A miracle of nature. Just like the thousands of other miracle birds I see every day. To me, birds have to be the ultimate waste. They can fucking FLY, and what do they do with it? They migrate and they shit on cars. It almost makes me angry it is such a waste. I mean, read a comic book or watch a movie: if we could fly we’d save lives and turn back time and shit. A bird just wonders where they’re going to land to take their next dump. If birds learn how to move furniture and change babies’ diapers, then I’ll be impressed.